ugh

i am going to be perfectly honest here: i don't want to go walking tonight. i haven't wanted to go walking since the last time i went, which was sunday. (sunday! four days of sloth!) even sunday, i didn't want to go. i admit i was glad i went once it was over, but getting myself out of the house was a bit of a task.

my uncle died last week. what we thought was MDS ended up being an aggressive liver cancer that most likely mimicked MDS by invading his lymphatic system and blood. a tumor cut off the blood supply to his liver as well as his kidneys, and an hour after being admitted to the hospital's ICU unit, he was in a coma that he never woke up from.

i was pretty sure i hated cancer before, but right now? i'm so furious i could spit fire.

i go back and forth between wanting to just go back to bed for a few more days (weeks, months, whatever) and wanting to do something. training for this marathon, walking when i don't want to, seem so small in comparison to what my father, uncle and family has been through. at the same time, i'm still grieving. i miss my pop, i miss my uncle. they were best friends; met in the navy and cobbled together a new family. they used to get into these huge, yelling discussions about politics/religion/military stuff, and end it with a beer and laughs. losing my father has been hard on me, but losing the man who knew him best besides my mother is like losing a part of him all over again. besides his connection to my pop, though, he was just a really great man. he loved his wife and kids, and i never met anyone who didn't have something nice to say about him. he gave me my first real job, he ate my food (and when i was a teenager, i was pretty much the worst cook ever), he supported my weird creative forays, he helped me pick out my first car, he introduced me to T Rex, he gave good advice and always let me know that he thought highly of me. i was, and always will be, proud to have been a part of his life.

so yeah, i'd rather be in bed crying, but maybe before that i'll take a few laps around the park.